Books & Stories

"I place my last will and testament next to the band-aids so it will be easy for my heirs to find.  As the sinus headache increases in intensity, and I know the end is near, I somehow stagger to the fridge and my trusty Ninja blender to make my last meal.  I make a chocolate milkshake with Breyer’s real vanilla bean ice cream and Hershey’s syrup – it is the only medicine I really need."

Bumblebees & Dandelions (Audio Version)

Bumblebees & Dandelions (Hardcover or Paperback)

"When I got to the Post Office drive-thru lane, there were four blue and red mailboxes in a row to greet me. I rolled down the window in my car. The eagle emblem on the first box got bigger and bigger as I approached. It happens to me every time. I freeze as I examine the four boxes all in a row and ponder. Which one deserves my letter? Are they all the same? Will my letter get there faster if I choose wisely? Or slower if I choose poorly? How do you decide? I always feel like a contestant on "Let's Make a Deal!"

"The question was innocent enough, but it caught me by surprise on a Saturday afternoon, when my wife asked me, “What do you think of this wallpaper for the bathroom?” Foolishly and naively, I thought she actually wanted my opinion! I was flattered. Silly me. I had no idea that a choice between a floral print and a country-side motif could evoke such emotion. Latin legal phrases filled the house that day.  There were motions for restraining orders and preliminary injunctions prepared but never filed." 

"Maybe it’s because I don’t really care much about the weather. Maybe it’s because I’m from Buffalo. Maybe it’s because I own a Totes auto-opening umbrella. If I walk outside in the morning and it’s raining I open my umbrella. If it’s sunny I put on my sunglasses. If it’s snowing I put on my boots and gloves. My mom showed me how to do all this when I was four years old. Frankly, I’ve never really figured out what I am supposed to do if the barometric pressure is rising, so I’ve made up my own rule – I go to Starbucks and order a Venti Vanilla Latte." 

"I bowed my head and whispered to her softly, “It’s ok my ballerina, daddy’s here.” And right then, like magic, her singing stopped and she started to coo. The room quieted. The nurses and doctors all smiled under their masks and their eyes said what we all knew. She had heard me after all. She knew my voice. And I loved hers."

"At your 30 year reunion you notice everyone whispering in each other’s ears, and they are all saying the same thing, “Help me out here – who is that guy standing next to the punch bowl.” (It’s pretty embarrassing when you hear the response, 'That’s your husband!') "

"I had mixed emotions about winning. It wasn’t that I didn’t think I would do a good job. It was because, from the day of the second screening committee speeches, I had developed a big league, full-blown, junior high school crush, on my opponent .... I remember being so conflicted that I had trouble falling asleep at night during the campaign. In the mighty jungle the lion may have slept just fine, but I laid awake dreaming about Penny!  It was fourth grade all over again. I was trying to beat the girl I was sure I was going to marry."

"I have a few hundred contacts in my phone. I've made 967 calls in my Audi using the voice control button since I got my car. I've answered "yes" 967 times. I am really proud of the fact that, so far, every time I told my car who I wanted to call, I actually wanted to call that person."

"A woman's purse is one place where a guy should never go. I made that mistake once. There are more compartments in a woman's purse than caverns at Carlsbad. There are at least a dozen zippers. There are compartments inside compartments. Once I found a family of five from Argentina lost in the caverns of my wife's purse."

"At eight minutes into the scan, as you are trying your best to remain perfectly still, something happens to every single person who is ever scanned in an MRI machine.  It’s the “itch.”  And it is always on your nose.  You feel it and start to wonder. “Can I scratch it?” ... It itches so bad and you really, really, really want to scratch it but you can’t. You have this silly thought, “Can I twitch my nose and make it go away?” 

"I installed bumpers on my walker, which I made with inflatable green and blue doodles I stole from my neighbor’s swimming pool.  I only use my walker in the produce department at Wegmans, where I've organized a bumper-walker league. We meet every Tuesday morning at 10 near the asparagus. It is great fun. The goal is to see who can get to dairy and back first, via the deli and bakery. It is sort of like geriatric Pac-Man on wheels, with zucchini, watermelons and cantaloupes flying all over the place. There is a disco ball, live music, and EMTs on standby. You really work up a sweat. After the race we all hobble over to the food court where prizes are awarded by the assistant store manager."

"There are different kinds of hand raises too. If you are absolutely sure you know the answer, your hand goes up really, really fast, and really, really straight, as if fast or straight really matters at all. Some kids actually leap out of their seats to raise their hand - they think altitude is important. I've seen kids fall out of their chairs trying to get their hands in the air. But sometimes you are just not sure you know the answer, so you keep your elbow on your desk and pivot your arm from there, so your hand is half as high as your classmates'. This is a favorite way of raising your hand by cool kids who wear sunglasses to class. They even smirk when they raise their hand, too, to try and fool the teacher into thinking they really know the answer. I've even seen some kids just raise an index finger when they weren't sure of an answer."

"A lot of people don’t know this, but when you have a major body part replaced, you automatically qualify for a lifetime, permanent handicap permit. Not all body parts qualify. For example, a tooth replacement won’t get you a blue hang tag, especially if you can eat corn on the cob again. And a hair transplant won’t do it either, especially if you then become a chick magnet.  Nope, it’s got to be a major body part, like a leg, or part of a leg like a knee. A hip will do it too, but probably, and I’m guessing here, a new baby toe won’t get you a closer parking spot."

"I have a certificate from the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks.  I like that one, first, because it is orange, and second, because it has a picture of an Elk on it.  I’ve still never seen a real Elk outside of a zoo, but I have a picture of one on a piece of paper with my name on it."

"I have long held a million dollar idea in my brain. I'm going to open a chain of six restaurants. I'm going to name them, "I Don't Care," "It's Up to You," "You Pick," "You Decide," "Just Start Driving" and "It Doesn't Matter to Me." Think of the marital problems across the country this will solve! When a guy asks his wife where she would like to dine tonight, and she replies, "It's Up to You" off you go. Same deal with "It Doesn't Matter to Me" and "Just Start Driving." Bingo – problem solved."

"For some reason, I just could not stand on my head, a disability that I was sure would haunt me in later life. And it wasn’t for lack of practice. My younger brother, Michael, tried to help me. He threw a rope over a tree branch, tied one end around my ankles and then got five of his friends to pull hard until they hoisted me upside down a few inches above the ground. 'OK, stand on your head, now!' he would yell just before he dropped me on my head."

"There are risks with any surgery:

1.  You might need blood. If you want to, you can go and donate a quart or two of your own blood and we'll use that up first, but, if we run out of your blood, we might need to use someone else's blood, and hopefully it's from someone who you don't owe money to.

2. I might hurt you. I will be using a power saw, a router, a reamer, a vacuum suction thing, an electric cauterizing gun and many sharp knives. Don't worry. I earned a power tool certificate from Black & Decker and got an "A" in Power Tools 101 in Med. School.

3. It is likely that you will be very sore when we are done, which is why I won't come to see you again until you are heavily sedated and strapped to a hospital bed and can't hurt me back."

"It was a beautiful summer day for a bike ride. I was 15 miles into my usual Sunday 18 mile ride on the Clarence bike path and gunning for home. I crossed Main Street heading west and was about to "thread the needle" between two yellow steel posts intended to keep cars off the path. To my great surprise, a green car was coming right at me on the path on the other side of the posts. This is different, I thought."

"Encountering a set of twins for the first time can be unsettling for a little kid. I still vividly remember the first time the boys and girls in my class saw the Mariani twins walking down the hall at Hyde Park Elementary together, side by side. We froze in place, jaws dropped, mouths wide open. We parted the hallway for their processional like when Moses parted the Red Sea.  We looked skyward for angels dropping twins from heaven. Theodore took off his glasses and polished them right on the spot, Timothy ran up behind them to look for trick carnival mirrors, and I personally called the school nurse to report the situation. It was mind-numbing, and made all the more perplexing because their mom somehow thought it would be a good idea for them to wear the same dresses to school that day." 

"You see, if your wife sets the toaster lever to 8, which will give her a 5, and you don’t notice the setting, you’re screwed. Once your toaster gives you a 5, there’s no going back to a 3. Of course, my wife always wins the toaster battle. If she gets a 3 and wanted a 5, she can always push the lever down for another minute of toasting. But if I get a 5 I have to find my dog to eat the mistake."